So last week a friend challenged me. This time it was a spiritual challenge. What you say? Yeah I am trying, which is very hard for me, to become more spiritual. Now those who know me know I don’t do church so does that make me less of a believer than those that do? I feel if I believe in God I can worship/talk/pray wherever I want and it’s the same.  I have also found a couple of websites. One is www.air1.com which is an radio station that plays positive music. I can take all the positive I can get. Through that site there is another called www.groundwire.net which talks about God and believing. They also have people you can chat with live.. Yeah not to that point yet and really haven’t searched that site a lot but it’s on my list.

So let me give you background on me and why this is hard. Growing up church was a must. There was no missing. No complaining. It had to be done. Dressing up was a requirement. I remember my mom shoving me in tights when I was younger.  I hated every minute of it.  I was brought up Lutheran and the church was very laid back, IMO. By the time I got to confirmation classes I felt it was a waste of time. I had gone though many years of Sunday school learning the same stuff. Shouldn’t I just be confirmed already? Needless to say when my parents dropped me off, I would just walk home. The pastor tried talking to me and the importance but it fell on deaf ears. So really I am not confirmed as anything.

Now I know I am not the only one that when something goes wrong the first thing you do it say “God why are you doing this to me?” We all have done that. Now why I do that ALL the time about EVERY little thing I have no idea. I don’t know how it started. It’s and easy things to do right? I mean God doesn’t talk back so you can yell and scream and blame all you want. I know it’s not his fault for the choices I make but I do feel he is giving me things I simply don’t want.  I have also had lots of death around me over the years. The first at like age 10.  To date I have had 8 family members pass. One being my BFF at the age of 26 and then my Dad. I have a lot of anger over my BFF. That will have to be another blog.

Example you say? This horrid job I have.  Why am I here? I have hated this job for over a year. Can’t find anything out there. So, during my challenge (which I will tell you in a bit what it is) I say “Show me why I am here for guide me to something else” So here I sit and wait. Really? How long do these requests take? I am not a patient person people.. LOL 

Okay so the challenge that was given to me was to have a conversation with God for 5 min a day for 10 days straight. There are no limitations on what I can say or talk about. If I am mad, say it. So I am like okay I can do this. I mean what can it hurt right?? I lasted 3 days. I just forgot to do it.  So here I go.. starting over. I am going to finish this challenge. What will happen when it’s done? My honest opinion? I believe nothing but I am all for being proved wrong.

Ever have those days/weeks/months/years that make you wonder why you are here? I am having one right now. Nothing, ok not nothing but feels like it, is going the way I want it. Job, home life, weight loss, knee.. you name it.  Now the weight loss thing I feel I have under control but not sure after last night buffet run. But I just feel down. Not fully depressed or anything but just have the blues.  Why am I doing what I am doing?  I feel such in a rut. According to my husband I am never happy. I get frustrated at the drop of a hat. I hate my job and jobs are hard to get.  I wonder why people are put on this earth to only be unhappy.

Now some will be thinking, we make our own happiness. To some extent I beleive that is true.  But must I always make lemonade out of lemons? When I was in the hotel business I always had to fake being happy. That is what customer service was.  I got so sick of pretending to be happy ALL the time when I wasn’t. It would be easier to be happy if I actually WAS happy.  How does an unhappy person get happy?

Sure I can change jobs, lose the weight but will that really make me happy? Does everyone know what makes them truely happy? If you do, you are blessed. For most, we struggle. But why? If we are put on this earth for a purpose wouldn’t you think our creator would want us to be happy fulfilling that purpose? 

I will just come out and say it, I have a lot of anger towards God. I wonder if He and I will ever be buddy buddy.  I am not sure we ever will. Maybe that is why I am unhappy.  In my life I have lost 8 family members. Well one wasn’t family but she was as close as you can get, my best friend. She was only 26.  After all these years I am still angry over it. I know it’s life and I hear God doesn’t throw at you more then you can handle.  I don’t know. I just have to shake my head over it all.

I want to be truely happy with life and with whatI do. I want to feel I am here for a reason not just a body going through the same motions day after day. How do you acheive that?  That is MY million dollar question. Got the answer? I have a feeling I only know the answer to that. Where to start finding it, I have no clue.

Here is a song I am listening to. (Nancy hush) called One Clear Voice by Peter Cetera

Whole world is talking
Drowning out my voice
How can I hear myself
With all this noise
But all this confusion
Just disappears
When I find a quiet place
Where I can hear

(chorus)
One clear voice
Calling out for me to listen
One clear voice
Whispers words of wisdom
I close my eyes
‘Till I find what I’ve been missing
If I’m very still, I will hear
One clear voice

I’m always searching
For which path to take
Sometimes I’m so afraid
To make mistakes
Somewhere inside me
Stronger than my fears
Just like the sound of music
To my ears, I hear (chorus)