As I sat on my bed this morning all of a sudden I felt different. Today was like any other morning. I got up, got clothes laid our for me and my son, hubby got up to get Cooper dressed while I got dressed. As I buttoned my pants and sat at the edge of the bed I felt like I should be reflecting back on something but what? Then it hit me!
One year ago yesterday I might not have been here. May 12, 2009 shook me. Blood clots in the lungs they tell me. What I am only 36 are you kidding. Then I remember my BFF died at 26 from the same thing. As I sat in the hospital in ICU for the next 4 days being poked and prodded, I made a promise to myself and God that if I made it out of all of this I would not waste my life away on the would, could, and should of’s in the world.
So as I sat there it was THAT I was to be reflecting on and the promise I made. Did I follow through? Sadly, no. I have gained weight, not lost, I still get frustrated over the small stuff, and I am still unorganized at home. All of a sudden I got sad and tears filled my eyes. What have I done? I have been given this miracle of life and I am wasting it. I am soooo unhappy with lots of thing that are going on. Some I can change, some I can’t or can’t easily. I am wasting this miracle God gave me.
How many time have you made a promise to change or to do something and ,like me, have failed to follow through. I have been saying for YEARS that I need to lose this weight yet year after year I try and fail and give up. I am now at my highest weight ever. So now I am doing the would, could, and should of’s that I said I wasn’t going to do.
In the past year I COULD have eaten better, I SHOULD have exercised more and I WOULD have lost weight and not gained. Why do we break these promises that we make to ourselves and to God. Is it easier to break them when it’s ourselves at stake or someone we can’t really see?
Now as I sit here and write this I roll my eyes and say to myself I failed again, typical. Do I make another promise to change that in a year from now I will break? What will it take to break the cycle and lose this weight once and for all. Everyone makes it seem so easy, or I choose to make it hard. In the past 3 months I have gained 23 lbs. OMG that is just unreal. At this pace I could gain like 80lbs this year. For the love if that happens I am doomed.
What it boils down to is that I need to do this for myself, not for anyone else. I need to prove to myself that I can do because I dobut that everyday. I haven’t done it yet so what makes me think I can? I have been given a second chance at life and I have broken promises along the way. I am tired of this cycle and it needs to stop. I apperciate all the support I get from my online family and sistah’s at Mamavation. I do hope in a year from now I can boast about my successful year and the promise I have kept!