Why am I here?
Ever have those days/weeks/months/years that make you wonder why you are here? I am having one right now. Nothing, ok not nothing but feels like it, is going the way I want it. Job, home life, weight loss, knee.. you name it. Now the weight loss thing I feel I have under control but not sure after last night buffet run. But I just feel down. Not fully depressed or anything but just have the blues. Why am I doing what I am doing? I feel such in a rut. According to my husband I am never happy. I get frustrated at the drop of a hat. I hate my job and jobs are hard to get. I wonder why people are put on this earth to only be unhappy.
Now some will be thinking, we make our own happiness. To some extent I beleive that is true. But must I always make lemonade out of lemons? When I was in the hotel business I always had to fake being happy. That is what customer service was. I got so sick of pretending to be happy ALL the time when I wasn’t. It would be easier to be happy if I actually WAS happy. How does an unhappy person get happy?
Sure I can change jobs, lose the weight but will that really make me happy? Does everyone know what makes them truely happy? If you do, you are blessed. For most, we struggle. But why? If we are put on this earth for a purpose wouldn’t you think our creator would want us to be happy fulfilling that purpose?
I will just come out and say it, I have a lot of anger towards God. I wonder if He and I will ever be buddy buddy. I am not sure we ever will. Maybe that is why I am unhappy. In my life I have lost 8 family members. Well one wasn’t family but she was as close as you can get, my best friend. She was only 26. After all these years I am still angry over it. I know it’s life and I hear God doesn’t throw at you more then you can handle. I don’t know. I just have to shake my head over it all.
I want to be truely happy with life and with whatI do. I want to feel I am here for a reason not just a body going through the same motions day after day. How do you acheive that? That is MY million dollar question. Got the answer? I have a feeling I only know the answer to that. Where to start finding it, I have no clue.
Here is a song I am listening to. (Nancy hush) called One Clear Voice by Peter Cetera
Whole world is talking
Drowning out my voice
How can I hear myself
With all this noise
But all this confusion
Just disappears
When I find a quiet place
Where I can hear
(chorus)
One clear voice
Calling out for me to listen
One clear voice
Whispers words of wisdom
I close my eyes
‘Till I find what I’ve been missing
If I’m very still, I will hear
One clear voice
I’m always searching
For which path to take
Sometimes I’m so afraid
To make mistakes
Somewhere inside me
Stronger than my fears
Just like the sound of music
To my ears, I hear (chorus)
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Maybe try searching for a relationship with God, instead of waiting for one. He has a relationship with you, now you do your part. Pray, read the Bible, go to church, listen to God speak. Jameson who’s only 5 says Nature is God’s voice. Maybe you’re not listening. But I can promise that God does have a relationship with you, you just don’t know it.
Honey you are in a good place. You are asking questions. You are wondering what this life is all about. Keep your eyes open. I don’t know what the answers will be for you or where exactly you will find them. You KNOW where I find my answers and my hope. I belive He has the same things ready for you, but your journey is different than mine, similiar but different and I promise you, that you are NOT alone on the path. Keep walking, keep questioning, and keep looking. There are no pat answers to give to why tough things happen to us or why God would allow such things…but I also know that the things that grieve your heart, grieve His too.
Praying for you!
Thanks ladies for your feedback and advice. I appreciate it.