Most who follow my blog or know me in person knows that my spiritual path has been, well, a difficult and stubborn one . I have gone through all the questions from Is there a God? to God hates me. I still don’t know what to believe. I have no idea what my relationship is with God. I have gone from hating Him to worshiping Him. I came across this article and thought I would share it with you.
You and I have special moments with God, even sometimes when everyone has left and we are ready to let go – tears, sweat, and all, God stays to accept the weakest we are in front of Him.
Upon the death of my best friend, whom I loved so dearly, I honestly never really thought about God much. This event shook me to my core. I all of sudden hated, and I mean truly hated God. Why would he take her. She was only 27. She had he whole life ahead of her. What had I done to make him punish me like this? We had plans for life an all of a sudden I was alone. I still don’t think I have gotten over this and it’s been almost 10 years. I think my hatred has lessened but I still resent Him.
3 years ago my Father found out he had lung cancer, stage 4. So it was only a matter of time before he passed. This was in August. That October he passed. Between August and October we all had a chance to come to terms with what was happening. I had to open back up this hurt that God was placing me yet again. This time my father, 72, had lived a few full and happy life. I had to let myself have some hope that he was going to a better place with no pain and one of eternal happiness. I still believe he is in that place with my best friend.
Present day I will find it a struggle to have a relationship with God. Why? Not sure. At times I still wonder if he is real. At times I wonder why he is leading down the path I am taking and there are times I wonder if the guy is deaf. Does he even hear me? I have not stepped into a church for an actually Sunday service in almost 20 years. I do believe I am starting to make small changes. I do now listen to Christian radio. I try to have small 5 min chats with God in the car. I also did a post about online church services, which I am checking into.
So in a nutshell what is my relationship with God? Love/Hate maybe, its hard to put in words. I do hope that one day I will have a definitive answer to that question. In the meantime how about you, what is your relationship with God? You don’t have to answer here but more of a self asking question.